It's Monday, I'm sitting at home, wondering what to write/eat/watch on TV before I go in to another awful day of work. Then my roommate CRAW calls with news: he got two prime seats for tomorrow's Bradley game. I'm hopelessly excited to get the chance to see the College of Wooster in action, but then he tells me he's going to watch the Bears game.
I'm torn. I've been cheating on my boycott all season anyway, but as the only opponent to the Jerry Angelo Era, I can't be weak on this.
On the other hand, it's Bears-Eagles which not only means I'll get a chance to see Michael "Rottweiler" Vick, but I can finally do one of those Bill Simmons 'game diary' blogs. You know, the ones where he writes down what he's thinking at various times, makes fun of the refs, commercials, announcers and all that. Can't pass that up, right?
A stronger man would've done the right thing. Unfortunately, I haven't been to the gym in about five months. Here's a recap of last night's Chicago-Philly game:
First Quarter
14:54: First play from scrimmage: a Matt Forte run for seven yards. I imagine Mike Martz tied up in the coaches' box, screaming profanities.
12:22: Jay-Jay, inches from being sacked, throws off his back foot for a first down to Earl Bennett. Too stunned to cheer.
Can you believe Devin dropped another pass, ref? So unfair.
9:20: Hold on though! A touchdown pass to the "Tight End Not Named Greg Olsen" has the Bears up early. 12 plays, 79 yards and amazingly, 52 of those via the run. Martz is still yelling oaths through duct tape.
9:15: First appearance of my dog Vick (yes, there'll be more of those jokes). Robbie Gould puts the kickoff out of bounds, then quick Eagles first down. Bad sign?
6:39: Hmm, tipped pass. Thought Urlacher was getting too old, y'all?
6:30: Those military commercials feel so much less patriotic without the Hank Williams Jr. intro.
5:30: Another awkward pass to Not Greg Olsen. Now I'm getting intrigued.
5:15: And there's Stupid Penalty #1: 12 men in the huddle. Come on, man.
1:54: Jay ate his Wheaties today. He'll need it; Eagles have closed down the running lanes. By the way, how many times are Jaws and Jon going to sing the praises of Lance Louis tonight?
:51: You can tell the ESPN guys are waiting for Vick to get his inner greyhound on. So has all of football guys; nothing doing yet.
Second Quarter
15:00-3:52: Left the house and stopped at WacArnold's on the way to the bar. Not so bad, got to hear Jeff Joniak and Tom Thayer call the Major Wright interception. "And Vick's pass...IT'S PICKED OFF! Maaay-jor Wright!" I miss WBBM.
You, sir, are ridiculous.
3:30: Vick finally breaks a run! Too bad it's for two yards. So much for that aging Bears D.
1:51: CRAW on Devin Hester: "He's a runner, not a catcher." Very observant for someone who doesn't watch a lick of football.
1:38: Forte fumbles, Eagles run it in for a touchdown. Jay Cutler Face, Take 2.
Come on, Matt, you're on my fantasy team.
1:38: Thank goodness it's under two minutes in the first half, otherwise Lovie would challenge and lose a timeout.
1:34: Back-to-back offsides on Philly, then a false start on the Bears. Penalty score: 4-3 in favor of the Eagles.
1:00: Corey Graham said GIMME THAT BALL, BUDDY!
:50: How long has it been since Jay made a good throw? Years? Did those Wheaties wear off?
:43: Corey Graham's grown-man business, a stupid Philly penalty and look at that—the Bears are on top at the half.
:32: Jeremy Maclin is ruining the Rottweiler's night. One catch, three drops.
0:00: Bears on top 17-10 at the break. The forced fumble was the quickest momentum shift I've seen since the Saints onside kick (sorry, Styx.)
Halftime notes
-It's a lot easier to watch "The Fastest 3 Minutes" with the sound off.
-More fun: watching the game at a hipster/non-sports bar. So far we've discussed inventing new drinks (look up a Georgia Moon), Jeff Bridges' incredibly scary voice, and the animosity between gays and bisexuals. Didn't even know about that.
Third Quarter
14:25: Two Vick runs and a first down to Brent Celek. Philly looking more like...well, Philly.
9:35: LeSean McCoy gets tired of Vick failing and makes the Bears look silly on a touchdown. Subsequently ESPN shows off their muscle by running a sports science highlight reel. I'm so sad that Disney owns everything Google doesn't.
8:10: Man, they still have Icy Hot commercials with Shaq in the fake Suns jersey?
7:25: Starting the "Pay Matt Forte" telethon. I think Bears' fans will be willing to donate...
7:24: ...Until he fumbles again! Thanks for that graphic about him not fumbling in over a year, guys!
6:25: Great, they just turned on the sound on the bar TV. Who's Jon Gruden going to jock today?
5:52: Two Cutler fumbles, two Philly scores. Wait, what? That wasn't Jay, that was Forte? Sorry, force of habit.
5:37: Jay Cutler Face #3 of the night as Roy Williams channels his inner Clifford Franklin.
First I was afraid, I was petrified...
2:53: CRAW and I have the following conversation:
C: Who's that dude with the long-ass name?
Me: Dominick Rodgers-Cromartie. He's like the fastest dude in football (oops, not true).
C: Is he the one they just did that highlight reel on?
Me: No, that was LeSean McCoy.
C: Then why the **** do I care about the other dude?
Again, doesn't watch a lick of football. He gets this game.
:30: They show a giant "THIRD DOWN" graphic on the stadium screen. Really, Philly? You need to be reminded what down it is?
:00: DWIGHT HOWARD! Now I really want Modern Warfare 3.
Fourth Quarter
14:56: It's official: Julius Peppers would be my first pick on my "professional players for pickup sports" team. For basketball and football. (LeBron is number two, then D-Rose.)
13:50: Bears draw Stupid Penalty #3 (holding), then Jay makes a ridiculous play to avoid a sack and gain positive yards. I'm actually cheering now, while the two hipster girls next to me make bored faces.
12:18: Fade route, TD, Earl Bennett! Jay does a half-Dougie before jogging to the sideline. No sign of the Face in at least 20 minutes.
12:18: This Droid Razr commercial is like the Immortals trailer: overhyped and saturating the airwaves. Makes me severely doubt the product.
11:38: Vick FINALLY starting to make plays. Jon Gruden FINALLY has a chance to dick-ride.
5:30: Uh oh, about time to head to work. Leave the bar to find I locked my keys in my car. Run down the street for my carpool without my proper work equipment, and I'm more concerned about the defense holding steady.
4:00: ESPN Mobile is terrible. Gould FG has Bears up by six. Is it Vick time?
1:39: Jeremy Maclin needs 10 yards on a fourth down; gets nine. Somewhere, JJ Stankevitz cries out in despair.
0:00: Bears hold on to win, 30-24! It's looking like another six-day week at work, but I'm just happy the Bears are a game back of the Lions for second place in the division. Jay-Jay outplayed Vick and Matt Forte got a chance to make something happen.
I suppose being steadfast and holding your ground is a bit overrated when it comes to boycotts. After all, someone will wise up and fire Jerry at the end of the season, right?
Unless....the Bears actually make the playoffs...
Hmmm, maybe I'll play consistently this year. Then Kristin will love me again.
See you in the cheap seats.
JS
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