Dr. Strange-Lovie (or How I Learned to Stop Hating and Love the Bears)

My mom always hated Dave Wannstedt.

A little back story: my mom has lived in Chicago her entire life (except for being born in Gary, which I never let her forget). In all those years, she has never really cared about sports, save for three things that never fail to make me laugh:

1. She's called Scottie Pippen "The Whiner" after Game 3 of the '94 Eastern Conference Semifinals. A surprise, since she never watched the Bulls unless I was.

2. She doesn't really remember much from the Super Bowl Shuffle, except that Otis Wilson was called "Mama's Boy" Otis. I have a feeling that this is a very fond memory.

3. She absolutely HATED Dave Wannstedt.

I never really understood why she hated Wannie so much. She didn't watch sports except soccer, since she was coaching me. But when Dave Wannstedt came on TV, she was always four words away from changing the channel. She even called me during the Bears-Patriots game just to tell me he got fired from Pittsburgh.

This is 12 years after he left the Bears, mind you. (She didn't like Dick Jauron too much either, to be fair.)

How far we've come

Still, it's not hard to see how my sports-indifferent mother could hate the man so much. He guided the Bears to a 41-57 record in five years and one playoff berth. During those years, the top Bears quarterback was Erik Kramer; the #1 receiver was Curtis Conway; and the "next great" Bears running back? Rashaan Salaam.

Suffice to say that after Super Bowl 31, I almost became a Packers fan.

After DW, there was Dick Jauron; the "dink-and-dunk" offense; Gary Crowton and the wide receiver screen; Paul Edinger; Todd Sauerbrun's ego; the (short)rise and fall of Cedric Benson and Jerry Angelo's controversial decisions. In my 22 years on the planet, the Bears have gone to the playoffs seven times. In that same span, the Packers visited the postseason 12 times (with a Super Bowl win).

But this year, there's something different. The Bears aren't obscenely lucky, like they were in 2001. They aren't just a one-dimensional team, like 2006. This year, they're something more.

A little Lovie in your heart

I'm not here to recap and analyze; you can go to ESPN and your local newspaper for that. The important stat for me is this: the Bears are 7-1 after the bye week. Going into the break, they were 4-3 and had more question marks around them than the Riddler.

All that's left is a primetime date with the Packers next week at Lambeau. Ordinarily, I'd expect the Bears to rest starters with a playoff spot locked up. However, a first-round bye is still on the line, and the Packers need a win to make the playoffs.

Say it again: the Packers need a win to make the playoffs. Against the Bears. At Lambeau Field.

Remember what Lovie's goals were when he was introduced as Chicago's coach? In reverse order: win a championship, win the division, and....beat the Packers.

Even with an 11-win season in the books, I guarantee you Lovie guns to keep Green Bay at home this postseason. If he succeeds, the coach everyone thought would be fired come January might be planning a trip to Texas come February.

Taking shape

Yes, our quarterback still has baby fat (which his playoff beard does a decent job of hiding, by the way). Yes, the offense is very inconsistent. Yes, the Bears have had mad amounts of luck since Week 1.

But are they in the playoffs? Yes. Have they won two of the three statement games in the second half of the season? Yes. Which means we can't discount this Bears team. To paraphrase Dennis Green, the Bears are not who we thought they were.

They're actually (gulp) good.

JS

New England's Evil Empire

If the NFL was Star Wars...

(I can hear you out there: "Wait. Stop. If the NFL was what?" Just go with it, okay? I know it sounds a little goofy, but this has a point.)

So if the NFL was Star Wars, the Patriots would be the Evil Empire. Iffy (and nerdy) at first, but consider the following:

-New England hasn't won the Super Bowl since 2005, but they've always been the team to watch in the AFC East. However, the Browns and Jets both had convincing wins over the Pats, while New England barely escaped the Ravens at home. Remind you of the "Rebel Alliance" a bit?

-Since halftime of the Thanksgiving game against Detroit and prior to tonight's contest with Green Bay, the Pats had outscored opponents 116-21. This is the NFL equivalent of freezing Han Solo in ice and cutting off Luke Skywalker's arm.

(Following this analogy, the Bears are Han Solo and Mark Sanchez is Luke Skywalker. Really only works if Rex Ryan is Chewbacca.)

-Remember how after the 'Spygate' scandal three years ago and the controversy swirling around Foxboro, the Patriots decided to absolutely murk the entire league? Of course, the Pats lost to the Giants in a great Super Bowl, but not before they blew up Alderaan....I mean, thrashed the Redskins 52-7, leading to complaints they were running up the score.

Sure, the comparisons were better two years ago, but with the Patriots on their current roll, many NFL fans are questioning who can stop them. Which leads to my main point of this article:

Bill Belichick is Darth Vader.

(All right, stop rolling your eyes and give me a shot at this.)

He always wears that same hoodie with the cut-off sleeves, just like Vader's omnipresent suit. He never shows any emotion, win or lose. He even killed Mace Windu! (All right, that last one isn't true, but he did basically throw Lovie Smith out the window, if the Bears don't win the division.)

All that's really missing is a red lightsaber and a breathing machine.

Lord Vader or not, Belichick is steering the Patriots toward home-field advantage come the playoffs. With the Bills and Dolphins the only teams left on the schedule, there's good odds that say they'll be in prime position to do just that. And with the Colts looking lost, the Steelers and Ravens little competition and the NFC a shambles, Darth Belichick may just be victorious this time.

So don't be surprised if you see Danny Woodhead wearing a Stormtrooper suit after next Sunday's game.

JS

In These Marvelous Times

It's a great time to be a Chicago sports fan.

Incredible, isn't it? I don't think that sentence has ever been said out loud without dripping sarcasm or an immediate tongue-lashing from the nearest person. As a matter of fact, there would probably be some backhanded response even now...

"Yeah, a great time. The Bears are the worst first-place team in the league, the Hawks are nothing compared to last year, and the Bulls are one injury away from falling through the floor. And don't get me started about baseball!....."

And so on. My mom has made an art form of this; she never ever says any Chicago team is doing well until they actually win a championship. Before that, in her words, "oh, they're mediocre."

(You've never heard anyone say "mediocre" until you've heard my mother say it. I almost want to put up her phone number so you can call and ask her to say it for you.)
Nontheless, it's still a great time to be a Chicago sports fan, no matter which of the teams is your favorite. And if you don't believe me, check it out.

1. The Bears are in first place, and it's after Week 3.

It's easy to be in first early in the season, but the Bears are still top of the division as we move into the final quarter of the NFL schedule. Granted, they've taken care of some easy marks (Bills, Cowboys, Panthers) and had some games handed to them (Packers, Lions), but hey—they still freakin' won. That's all that matters.

2. The Bulls are in first place, and hanging with the championship teams.

Year in and year out, after the MVP awards have been handed out and ESPN has finished jocking all the name players (Kobe, LeBron and *ugh* Rondo), the anchors talk about the importance of "That Guy".
You know him. He's the guy who put up 12 points and 8 rebounds every night and never got any press. He's the guy who came off the bench late in the season after a starter got injured. Either way, he's always the guy that gets credit for "keeping the team together until the star could take over". No one knows who he is before and no one really remembers him afterward. Classic example: Leon Powe for the Celts in '08.

The Bulls' "That Guy"? Taj Gibson. He was the lower draft pick last year, behind James Johnson. After his successful rookie season last year, he was supposed to move to the bench behind Carlos Boozer. But with Boozer out for the first month of the season, Taj was in the starting five, and he's delivered to the tune of 11-7 and almost two blocks per game.

Much like Greg Jennings in Madden, "he puts the team on his back, doe."

3. The Hawks are second in the division, even with half of last year's squad gone.

My erstwhile roommate (we'll call him Clark) has been keeping me updated on his St. Louis Blues and how they're poised to make a run at the playoffs this year. (He's also a Packers fan. How we coexist is a mystery to me.) Unfortunately for Clark, I'm going to shower him with insults later as I see the Hawks sitting in second behind Detroit—two places ahead of the Blues.

To be fair, NHL statistics are misleading, and since the Hawks have played at least three games more than any other division team, they are going to have a chance at more points. Still, the Blackhawks have won six of their last eight contests. Before last night's high scoring affair with St. Louis, they hadn't allowed more than two goals in any game, which means Corey Crawford might get the nod over Marty Turco in the near-future.

And why is it great to be a Sox or Cubs fan right now? Simply, it's winter. No disappointments if they're not playing, ay? (Although Cubs fans have to be feeling a little salty about that Theriot trade to St. Louis.)

Yeah, it's a good life right now in the Windy City. But just like the weather, you should probably check back tomorrow. Things might have changed.

See you in the cheap seats.

JS

Out of the Dark(o)ness

A funny thing happened on the way to basketball oblivion.

Darko Milicic became...good.

Any NBA fan over the age of 17 knows Darko's story: the next great 7-foot European player, he was supposed to eclipse all his predecessors: Petrovic, Divac, Kukoc, Marciulionas, all of them. Out of the 2003 draft class, Darko was projected as the third-best talent, behind LeBron and  D-Wade and ahead of Carmelo and Chris Bosh. Considering how great of a flop Darko was for his first six seasons in the league, let's look at some of the other names that were called after him:

-Chris Kaman (no. 6)
-Mickael Pietrus (no. 11)
-David West (no. 18)
-Kendrick Perkins (no. 27)
-Josh Howard (no. 29)
-Mo Williams (no. 47)

Just for fun, we'll throw in James Jones (no. 49), since ESPN jocking him now that he's throwing up threes for the Heat. That's two rings, five Finals appearances, and seven All-Star games combined.

In his defense, Darko was over-hyped by draft insiders, notably Chad Ford as Bill Simmons writes in The Book of Basketball. Still, he's on his sixth NBA team in six years, his career high in scoring is 13 points and his nickname is "Human Victory Cigar". For five years, Darko was the European Dickey Simpkins.

However, things might have finally turned in his favor. After landing on a Timberwolves team projected to finish last in the Western Conference, Darko has finally started to put up numbers. He tallied 13 points, 12 boards, five assists and five blocks against Charlotte last week, and then put up 23-16-5-6 against the Lakers. Granted, both of those were losses, but the L.A. game would have had him going against  (overrated) Pau Gasol on both ends.

So does this mean we're looking at a Darko-renaissance? Not really. For a no. 2 pick, he's still underachieving. He's got protection in Michael Beasley, Kevin Love and even Corey Brewer to some degree. The Timberwolves aren't going anywhere relatively soon (unless Ricky Rubio goes insane and decides Minnesota is more attractive than Spain), and I wouldn't be surprised if Darko dips back to Serbia this season.

Darko hasn't become what we all expected him to be yet, but at least he's no longer Euro-Dickey. That's got to count for something.

The Best Worst Jump Shot Ever

For two weeks now, people have come into our house around 7 am to repair the basement ceiling. The labor's basically free because my roommate's dad is the landlord and the guys working are his uncles. Best of all, the part of the basement ceiling is the floor of my bathroom.

Unfortunately, this means they are pounding, hammering, drilling and sawing from 7 to 11 in the morning right next to my room. Since I'm on a light schedule at college this semester, I usually start my mornings at 11.

Not the last two weeks.

This has led to some interesting dreams, the latest of which centered around my friend Ben and I trying to find a pair of Joakim Noah's signature shoes. You know the ones: the crimson red Le Coq Sportifs with the white soles.

In the dream, not only are Ben and I discussing how to find the shoes, we actually talk to Joakim about our difficulties in finding the kicks, to which he says, "Ahhhhh shit. Let me talk to someone."

Four years ago, had you or I mentioned the words "Joakim Noah" and "signature shoes" in the same sentence, we probably would have been asked where to the get the herb we had been smoking. Either that or shot by Skip Bayless.

Now it's 2010, and the Bulls are being scoped as a possible four-seed in the East, thanks in no small part to J-No, who just recorded his sixth double-double of the young season (13 points, 19 rebounds).

The buzz around the Bulls? Not what they will do once Carlos Boozer returns. Not how they will deal with the suddenly uprising Knicks in a possible renewal of the mid-'90s rivarly. No, the latest question surrounding the Bulls is "Do they have the stones to deal Noah to Denver in exchange for Carmelo Anthony?"

Excuse me. What?

In the glory days (3-Peat I and II), the Bulls had two or three guys who could destroy you on the court, with Phil Jackson's intellect and wicked sense of humor running a close fourth. But with all respect due to Michael Jordan, they've never really had a guy who just didn't care about who the other guys on the team were or who they were playing next.

If there was anything about Jordan, it's that he made every move with devastating purpose. He knew when the Bulls were playing Lenny Wilkens and put that much more energy into his game. He knew when Gary Payton was on the floor and put extra effort into making him look silly. He did the same thing to Bryon Russell after 1995. But he at least was semi-respectful in the media or in interviews.

Noah, on the other hand, just does not seem to care about that. He will go out every game and get 12-plus rebounds, whether he's playing Shaquille O'Neal or Joel Przybilla. He will shoot jump shots and free throws with that ridiculous release and Jeff Van Gundy screaming about fundamentals—and still make them.

That's what makes him so....cool.

Remember when Florida won the NCAA championship (completing a glorious stretch for them and myself when they won the college football and basketball championship, twice defeating Ohio State in a calendar year)? All the Gator players were gathered at center court with their caps on, ready to receive the trophy. Some had put on the championship t-shirts, most were laughing and saying whatever 20- and 21-year-olds say to each other after winning a title on national television.

As the cameras rolled and Bill Raftery looked on bemusement, J-No did that absolutely ridiculous dance, flailing his arms about with reckless abandon.

(Video: J-No Gets It, Florida Style)

Purists everywhere cringed at the prospect of him coming to the NBA, heightened when he showed up to the Draft in that blindingly white, seersucker suit.

I mean, seersucker? I thought that only existed in Faulkner books.

Rick Morrissey, then of the Chicago Tribune, wrote that Noah was a terrible draft choice for the Bulls: "They are putting him in the 'high energy' category, which is code for 'can't shoot if his life depended on it.'"

Morrissey declared then that if Noah was a success in the NBA, he would literally eat his words. Last season, he did just that. In front of Noah, no less. (Good to find a journalist willing to stand behind what he writes, by the way.)

So not only does Noah score and rebound consistently, he is the guy who will wear his heart on his sleeve when it comes to the team. Last season, Noah yelled at LeBron James from the bench when he thought LBJ was showing up the Bulls in a blowout. Then, as the Bulls were being stuffed by the Cavs in the playoffs, Noah stated (and reiterated) that "there was nothing to do in Cleveland", insulting the fans and the team multiple times.

(Video: Hear What Joakim Thinks About Cleveland)

When asked after the Game Four blowout whether he still felt the same, Noah responded with: "Has anyone ever planned a vacation to Cleveland?"

Everything about Noah is done without an eye to public image. His hair. His teeth. His shoes are from a high-fashion French company and aren't available anywhere in the U.S. The rumors abound that he frequents Chicago-area marijuana shops during the season. He says whatever he wants to whoever he wants if they aren't wearing a Bulls logo.

He just doesn't give a...you know.

That's why the Bulls need to listen to Charles Barkley and all the other smart basketball minds and not trade Noah to the Nuggets. Yes, you would be getting a superstar player and great inside-outside scorer, but you would be losing more. If there's anything the recent past has shown, it's that big-name free agents who will chase cash and a chip aren't necessarily worth the headache their presence will cause (check in with Miami come playoff time.)

Guys who will defend the team come hell or high water are. That's why Joakim Noah is invaluable.

As Jack Nicholson's character says in A Few Good Men, "you want me on that wall, Danny. You need me on that wall."

The Bulls need Joakim Noah on that wall. Otherwise, there won't be a lot of defense when (excuse the pun) the heat turns up.

It's Luol Deng.....to the Rescue?

This spring, I sat in front of my TV screaming as the Chicago Bulls faced the Cleveland Cavaliers in the first round of the NBA playoffs.

I wasn't screaming at the Bulls to be better or play ball. After all, they had barely squeezed their way into the postseason while the Cavs had chalked 60-plus wins behind a determined LeBron James.

No, on this particular day (Game 4, I think), I was screaming at Luol Deng.

A variety of things in a few languages, but most of them centered on him being "soft".

I think I actually yelled "soft" in Spanish at the time, though I've forgotten that piece of vocabulary. However, the theme of my venom remained the same: "Come on, Lu, ****** drive the lane! Marshmallow-*** ***************!"

Thank goodness I wasn't home. My mother might have disowned me.

Now the Bulls have arrived at a new season, full of promise and fortune. The news has mostly focused on Derrick Rose's MVP chances, the eventual return of Carlos Boozer and Tom Thibodeau's coaching chops.

Mostly, that is, except for Portland. After Monday night, sportswriters in Portland probably had a lot to say about Luol Deng (or the "Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man", as I referred to him during the second half of the season).

And why not? He had just dropped an astonishing 40 points on the Blazers as the Bulls cruised to a 12-point win. Most gratifying of all to me, D-Rose had double digits in assists. Finally, he got the chance to play like a real point guard!

It's been a long time since the Bulls had spot-up shooters who would have road crowds groaning as soon as they put the ball in the air (Paxson/Kerr/Kukoc/Gordon anyone?) As a result, Derrick Rose is often limited to pick-and-rolls with Joakim Noah or dangerous drives to the hoop. As we saw with last year's nasty falls against Orlando, such gameplanning might result in a quick career for the Chicago Kid.

That's where Lu comes in.

Keep Lu shooting, the Bulls are good. Get him to drive the lane? The Bulls are very good. Keep him healthy for an entire season?

The Bulls become dangerous.

Granted, the bench players need time to jell. Both C.J. Watson and James Johnson will have to step up and provide support on both ends, as will Kyle Korver. But as proven on Opening Night, the Bulls starting five can hang with just about anyone—and that was with a snazzily-dressed Carlos Boozer sitting on the sidelines.

The Bulls have dangled Sweet Lu on more than a few proposed trades since they drafted him, but unlike crowd-favorite Kirk Hinrich, they've kept him around (Shame sending poor Kirk to Washington to play behind John Wall and a frustrated and terrifying Gilbert Arenas, by the way). Now's his time to respond.

Otherwise I'll start learning to say soft in Swahili, just for fun.

The Worst in First

Five things that passed through my mind during Sunday's Bears-Redskins game:

1. "Either Troy Aikman has money on the 'Skins or he has DeAngelo Hall on his fantasy team. That's the only reason he says Jay Cutler should challenge Hall when he already has three picks."

2. "Thom Brennaman must have gotten a memo from Fox not to dick ride Julius Peppers so much."

3. "Does Jay's diabetes keep him from losing his baby fat?"

4. "I think Jon Favreau's character from The Replacements could take Brian Urlacher."

5. "Hey Donovan, I would have taken you over Cade McNown."

Honestly, I'm tired of watching it. They won enough games to get into first place, which made me care about the season. Now they're going to lose enough games to piss me off. Combine this with Carlos Boozer's broken hand, the new LeBron commercial and the agonizing thought of the next White Sox season, and I'm ready to skip classes and eat Ben and Jerry's all day.

With a game against Buffalo following the bye week, the Bears will probably do what they've been doing all season: look great one week and be awful the next. If a TV sitcom did this, it'd be canceled. If an Army platoon worked like this, they'd all be killed in action.

The Chicago Bears? They're still in first place. The Packers are losing players like faster than the Pittsburgh Pirates, the Vikings will probably have to start Terrelle Pr...I mean, Tavaris Jackson for at least three weeks, and the Lions are still the Lions. The Chicago Bears, as bad as they are, could actually end up winning the division.

Of course, considering the schedule, they could also go 2-7 and finish in third. Lovie and the boys have a week not only to figure out their next opponent, but to figure out what kind of team they really are.

Are they an offensive team? Hard to say yes to that; the running has been nonexistent save for the Carolina game, and Jay-Jay has two TDs and six INTs since Week 2.

Are they a defensive team? Again, not right now. Lance Briggs' injury seems serious, they have a rookie starting at cornerback and Julius Peppers has all but disappeared the last two weeks. Ryan Torain tore up the defensive line on Sunday, just as John Kuhn and Brandon Jackson did in the Packers game. Where's Keith Traylor when you really need him?

(He's eating a entire party sub. I checked.)

In all reality, Charles Tillman is playing very well, and young D.J. Moore looks like a solid player in the making. Outside of that, the Bears are looking for answers. None of them are coming right now, but look for a lot of quotes during the bye week that might not be spin control. Football players know when they're team is in bad shape.

Even if Troy Aikman doesn't. I swear, as soon as he said Cutler should challenge Hall, he threw the inno that iced the game. Collusion, anyone?

JS

Dear Delmon Young: A White Sox Fan's Letter of Hope

Dear Delmon Young,

Thank you.

This particular letter may be premature, but I feel I owe you a debt of gratitude. With one swift swing of your right arm, you, Delmon, may have jump-started the 2011 Chicago White Sox season.

How, you ask?

On July 27, 2004, the White Sox and the Minnesota Twins hooked up for a night game in Chicago. While it was the middle of the season, the race was already down to Sox-Twins; the rest of the division was doing its usual underachieving act (with the Tigers as master of ceremonies). The Twins were leading the contest when Torii Hunter attempted to score from second on a single. As there was a play at the plate, then-Sox catcher Jamie Burke stood ready to block the plate and tag Hunter when the ball arrived.

Unfortunately for poor Jamie, Torii got to home plate well before the ball. Even though you were in Tampa Bay at the time, you might have heard about what happened next: Hunter steamrolled Burke, separating his shoulder.

The next day, Sox outfielder Carlos Lee failed to break up a potential double play, prompting Ozzie Guillen to say Lee slid "as if his grandmother was turning the double play." The Twins went on to win the division for the third straight season as the Sox faded away down the stretch.

So why is this pertinent to you, Delmon? What's the point?

Well as you remember from the August 17 Sox-Twins contest, you had a similar situation: play at the plate with the throw coming home and a Sox catcher blocking the plate. This time, you had A.J. Pierzynski in your sights.

Unlike Torii, however, whose shot at Burke was hard but clean, you deigned to throw a shot at A.J.'s face, in a transparent "attempt" to knock the ball free. Additionally, you were called out, though the Twins did go on to win the game and the division once again as the White Sox faded down the stretch.

Video: (Young's shot at Pierzynski)

Once again, so what? Why the letter of hope?

After the Hunter-Burke incident became a microcosm of the '04 Sox season, they retooled their image, walked over the division in 2005 and won the World Series. You know this because you watched it from your living room in the Tampa area.

This year, after your shot at Pierzynski, you may recall Sergio Santos throwing a few pitches high and tight to J.J. Hardy. One of those pitches ironically hit the Target sign directly behind home plate.

Video: (Santos goes in high on Hardy)

Ironically indeed.

The Twins have made the playoffs three straight seasons but have not figured out how to get out of the first round—or how to beat the Yankees. Such a stretch is comparable to Wilt vs. Russell in the '60s or Jordan's Bulls vs. the Pistons in the early '90s: "How do we beat these guys?"

The Sox have to ask themselves the same question after finishing the season 5-13 against Minnesota. Fortunately, the answers are clear: a healthy pitching staff, Sergio Santos moving to the closer's role and the long-awaited rejuvenation of Carlos Quentin will put the Sox on top.

Of course, it's a long ways until March or even February, but the seed of hope was planted as soon as you put that forearm shiver to A.J.'s mask.

So thank you, Delmon. Thank you for making the White Sox and their fans realize how tough the Twins are.

We aren't taking you lightly anymore.

Sincerely,

JS