"I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ballpark that knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats." - Bill Veeck
It's every fan's worst nightmare.
You've somehow gotten great seats for a great game at your favorite team's stadium. Seats you would never get because, as the title of this blog suggests, you're tax bracket usually has you sitting in the upper deck. But somehow, you can actually see the players without having to increase your future chances at getting laser eye surgery. It's going to be a great day.
Then, out of nowhere, they show up.
The annoying fan.
You know the types. The fan who has an irrational hatred of your squad and can only express it with incoherent profanity. The guy who just has to let everyone know he's at the game, via phone call, text, Twitter, photo messages and keep updating them every two seconds. The guy who takes up two seats.
It's a hazardous world out there in the cheap seats for sure. But your likelihood of running into the "Phans" (after Philly fans, who have the rep of being the worst fans in America) increases a lot when you venture into the lower bowl, and I'm not talking your run-of-the-mill bandwagon jumper. So here is a handy guide for these terrible fans and how to avoid them.
The "Social Butterfly"
How to spot: Has newest phone on the market, usually matched with freshly bought home team jersey or cap. Friendly, at times overbearingly so. Will often shout "Did you see that?" about plays that everyone saw. Subset of "bandwagon fan".
Avoid by: Either be completely stony until they get the message or move out of range of their camera phone.
Not the worst fan to be next to, but can be deceivingly distracting. Or if you're cool with it, take a picture with the person and you just might make a new friend...who always has great seats to the game.
The "Deflector"
Chars.: Fan of the other team; will always tell you what's wrong with your team, your city, your politicians, restaurants, schools, etc. If their team starts losing, it's never their fault: "Oh, the refs have it out for us...we never play well here...it's Good Friday and the boys haven't eaten meat, they're tired."
Avoidance: I had the misfortune of running into this guy at a White Sox-Tigers game in 2006. The Tigers got out to an early lead and my man used that opportunity to tell me how bad the Sox were, how their World Series win was a fluke, and how Detroit was a much better city than Chicago. When the Sox took a late lead in the seventh inning, I turned around to ask the guy what he thought...and he was nowhere to be found.
The point? Winning is the best cure for this particular fan.
The "William Ligue"
Chars.: Lot of tattoos, a lot of facial hair, worn-out cap or t-shirt that they've have since 1992, and an attitude like they've stubbed their toe twice a day since birth. Loves the f-word, whether the team is winning or losing, but will go to Incredible Hulk status if the team does start losing. (Note: if this is a woman, disregard next paragraph and RUN. Run away quickly.)
Avoid by: Calling security, police, or Ron Artest. No fan alive can stand up to The Queensbridge Mangler.
The "Father-Daughter Day"
Chars.: Easy to spot: a parent(s) and a baby. Deceptive in that it looks like a heartwarming scene, but that child is one crowd-riling dunk from becoming a crying, screaming menace.
Avoid by: Never having kids yourself. (Kidding. Just move somewhere else.)
The "St. Patrick's Day"
Chars.: A group of younger people, usually under 30- or 35-years-old (variable). Hard to spot because they could be fans of the game wearing team apparel or they could just be on a work outing, but they will always be drunk by the fifth inning or third quarter. Will be excited and rowdy no matter the outcome; usually nice enough but can get belligerent towards anyone around them.
Avoid by: Talk to them early in the game so you're cool; by the time they're on their fifth round, you'll have known each other your whole lives. Agree with everything they say within reason. If they turn on you for some reason, either leave quickly or find your William Ligue-looking friend for backup.
The "Jeff Van Gundy"
Chars.: Will always be a fan of whoever's winning at that particular moment or who ESPN is backing at that point in time (see: many Bulls fans in the '90s, Yankees and Lakers fans in the early 2000s, Red Sox fans post-2004, Cubs fans of any generation, any current Miami Heat fan that doesn't live or has lived in Miami.) Other names: "bandwagon jumper", "rider", "fairweather fan", "jocker". A particularly annoying breed is the "girl who's in love with this athlete so she likes his team", i.e. female Patriots fans who only like Danny Woodhead (hah! You thought I would say Tom Brady?).
Avoidance: This is widely acknowledged as the worst of the Phans. As they're just following a team to be trendy, their knowledge will be limited and logic non-existent. The easiest way of dealing with these fans is to avoid interaction with them at all costs. Or just whack them, Sopranos-style. The world's usually better off.
With baseball season nearing it's beginning, the NBA playoff race heating up and March Madness kicking into gear, fans from everywhere in the country will be filling stadiums. If you know anyone who's unaware of these bad fans, or if you have any more Phans you know of, please let me know. Only you can cure Phanaticism.
See you in the cheap seats.
JS
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