Not So Super This Time Around

Sacrilegious. Heretical. Unfathomable.

Those are a few of the big SAT words that would pop up on dictionary.com if you looked up "not watching the Super Bowl in this day and age".

That's fair to say, right? It's the most-watched and most-hyped sporting event in professional athletics. The Summer Olympics might get the same amount of viewers as the Super Bowl, but it'll take two weeks to do it. Millions of people watch a game that takes about two hours to play, not counting the halftime show (and we'll get to that later, trust me), the pre-game show, the post-game show, the post-post-game show, and the game show.

Wait, I'm thinking of Around the Horn, and that's not really a game show. Nevertheless, the Super Bowl has become an almost obscene spectacle of television: the hours of coverage and special segments leading up to the game, not too mention all the ones during the week before. It would probably been wall-to-wall SB news on ESPN if two things hadn't happened (as my roommate Clark pointed out):

1. LeBron scored 51 on the Magic, and;
2. Andy Pettitte retired.

Without those two events, we would have seen James Harrison getting poked with acupuncture needles an estimated six thousand times in the last ten days. Who really wants to see that?

With all this, it would be so easy to say I'm doing this for righteous reasons. The controversial situation in Egypt, the upcoming mayoral race in Chicago, preparing for a trombone quartet piece we have to play in seven days—all these are more important than the game. I truly wish I could say that's why I'm skipping the Super Bowl.

But it's none of those. As a matter of fact, I'm going over to Clark's parents' house tomorrow with a bunch of people from school, and I'm going to eat chili and drink soda, right in front of a 50-inch flat-screen TV showing the biggest game of the year.

Not watching a minute of it. Here's why.

1. *&%(*%)*(&^)*(^ the Packers.

People accuse me all the time of taking rivalries a bit too seriously. Usually, I scoff at them and call them nancies, punks or some other carefully thought-up snide nickname, but now I'm thinking they might be right. After all, I did watch or listen to every single playoff game the Cubs played in 2003, hoping they would lose. (The Bartman Game was one of the happiest moments of my life. No joke. I jumped around the room, watching Wrigley collapse.)

Still, it wouldn't be a rivalry without some craziness, right? Without dedicated fans and hard-nosed play, there's no real significance to it. So yes, even though I do enjoy watching Aaron Rodgers and Greg Jennings play (not Donald Driver. He's too connected to Brett Favre for me), I do not want to watch Green Bay play in the Super Bowl. Especially when they have a good chance of winning.

2. The complete lack of Bart Scott-related anything.

If you haven't already seen Sal Paolantonio's post-game interview with Bart Scott after the Jets beat the Patriots, do it now. Go right now and watch it.

Now tell me honestly: did you have that face where you're laughing, but you're a little scared at the same time? You're cracking up but your eyes are wide open, so you don't miss anything and you hope nothing bad happens? (Imagine the people in the club when Michael Richards started yelling at the dude in the balcony, right before he said the n-word.)

That's how I felt during this interview. Just to be safe, I watched a couple more Bart Scott interviews and clips, like this one. Pretty tame, but there is something just under the surface, something that you can only have with NFL players, Sarah Palin and Ron Artest.

Bart Scott is crazy. Controlled crazy, but crazy.

How can you not like a guy like that? You might not want to ever see him on the street at night, but man, he's fun to watch. Imagine all the Bart Scott interviews, SI pieces, radio discussions and exposes that we weren't treated to this past week.

All we've got is that 60 seconds of Sal Paolantonio with a bemused look on his face, hoping he'll make it back home. That's just not enough Bart Scott for me.

3. The Black Eyed Peas halftime show.

I missed Janet Jackson's left breast. Completely missed it. I got up to get a soda and check on the score pool we had going when I heard a shriek from behind me, and that was that. Biggest Super Bowl moment ever, slightly ahead of David Tyree's catch and Scott Norwood going wide right. And I missed it.

Ironically, I haven't missed all the performances since then, and they have been much worse than Janet's titty (say "Janet's titty" out loud and don't laugh, I dare you). Good artists, but come on: Tom Petty, Paul McCartney? Not for the Super Bowl.

So now, the NFL guys have decided the statute of limitations on popular musicians is up, so they give us the Black Eyed Peas.

Wait a second. The Black Eyed Peas haven't had a good song out since 2004. It's almost like Roger Goodell doesn't even listen to the radio! (Speaking of which, can you imagine Roger Goodell in a black SUV, rolling through Chicago listening to WGCI? I can.) My roommate Ice Berg has a minor stroke every time the commercial previewing the halftime show comes on, and I can finally say I agree with him.

Honestly, I'd rather watch the kids from Glee do their thing.

And finally, the top reason I'm not watching the Super Bowl (shut up, I know it's #4 and not #1)....

4. Ben Roethlisberger's a rapist! He raped people! Multiple people!

There's a great moment from the WWF back in 2001. The Rock has just done a hilarious bit for about five minutes about how he's going to beat Chris Jericho at the Royal Rumble and all these guys want to face him at Wrestlemania, when Jericho comes out onto the entrance ramp.

So naturally, the Rock hates on him and then goes into his "if you smellllllll..." routine when Jericho just screams, "No! This is not a joke! I am not a joke! I am serious! And you will not look past me!"

Stops Dwayne cold. Stops the whole crowd, as a matter of fact. The announcers, everyone. And even though you knew it was all make-believe, it was a really tense moment. (Here's the clip if you actually want to see it. It's at 3:20.)

What's this have to do with Ben Roethlisberger?

Well, Big Ben is like the Rock: he's looking forward to the Super Bowl, a possible third chip and a cementing of his legacy as one of the great quarterbacks of the modern era.

Chris Jericho, on the other hand, are those rape charges: extremely important, but seemingly forgotten in the heat of the moment.

Listen, I supported Michael Vick all the way through his ordeal, when kids at Bradley left and right were basically saying he should be drawn, quartered and hung in the village square. I stuck with him. But that was dogfighting. This was rape. And as Dane Cook has taught us, rape is not a word you can just throw around.

Suspending Big Ben for four games at the beginning of the season is not enough, not guilty verdict aside. All previous jokes aside, I do find a problem watching an unconvicted rapist throw passes to one of my least favorite NFL receivers, Heath Miller.

(What, you thought it would be Hines Ward? Come on, too easy. And besides, how cool is it to have Hines Ward play at Heinz Field? They should just change the name as soon as he retires.)

So that's why I'm "skipping" the Super Bowl this year. Aside from being super salty that the Bears didn't make it, there's probably a Bulls game on that night that will be way more fun.

If there isn't one, I'll just watch an old one online. Anything to avoid "Fergie Does Dallas."

See you in the cheap seats.

JS

Playoffs? You Kiddin' Me? Playoffs??

(Ed. note: There are other fans in the cheap seats, and like all of us, they have an opinion to share and know the right words to share it. With that said, this post was written by my good friend Brian S. AKA LeBomb James. Enjoy.)

It feels like the Twilight Zone.

Or at the very least, the part in one of those bad M. Night Shyamalan where he just makes up a ridiculous plot twist that leaves the audience with an awful taste in their mouth.

(Alright, I know. "Bad M. Night Shyamalan movie" is redundant.)

But I'm not talking about "The Happening 2: Now Birds or Some Shit are After Us." I'm talking about the NFL playoffs, specifically what happened on Wild-Card Weekend, and what it means for the rest of my January and first week of February. I'm going to have to do what I swore I never would.

I'm going to have to root for the NFC. Even if it means rooting for (gulp)...Da Bears.

Let me say this. It's not my betting side that wants to jump over to the enemy. At this point, almost any NFC team is Super Bowl underdog to almost any AFC team. Who do ya got?

The Seachickens, who STILL aren't at .500 and (get this) with a win over the Bears and a Packers win over the Falcons, which is a very plausible scenario, will host a second playoff game?

The Falcons, who looked like the best team in NFC until playing paper tiger against the Saints two weeks ago?

The Packers, who, as a 6-seed, are playing the best football in the conference right now after beating an Eagles team I thought was the most dangerous team in the league?

(Side-note on the Eagles: In mid-November, right after they beat my Colts, I thought the Vick-led Eagles were going to be the team no one wanted to face in the play-offs. Then they lost a critical game to Chicago, beat the New York Football Giants with a collective kick to the crotch that will probably be felt by Eli Manning's offspring, and then somehow choked away a game to the Favre-less Vikings that could have put them in the #2 spot. I had a feeling that they might have peaked 3 or 4 weeks too early and was right.)

That leaves us with the Bears, a team with an improved defense and Matt Forte, who apparently only kills his fantasy owners every other season. They put up a lot of points the last month of the season, which has been just enough to make every Bears fan forget that their quarterback can turn into Jeff George 2.0 at any time. Do I trust them? Not really. But do I really trust anyone in the NFC right now? Hard to say.

I can say one thing definitively: I don't wanna root for anyone in the AFC.

Not the Patriots, who I'm required to hate, regardless of what they do. They could donate their entire 2010 team's salary to charity, adopt every stray pet in Boston, win the House of Representatives back for the Democrats, go back in time and stop Spider Man 3 from happening (the 2010 San Francisco 49er's of movies: tons of hype, good director in charge, more than enough talent on set, and still somehow unspeakably terrible) and I would still hate the Patriots. But they have an almost certain bye into the AFC championship by virtue of playing the Jets (The Sanchise is still too young/inconsistent, and the Patriots won't somehow think it's 2008 and let LT run all over them like the Colts did).

The other two possibilities? The Steelers, whom I've resented since they beat the Colts in the 1995 AFC championship game. The same Steelers the Colts choked against when they beat us as a 6-seed in 2005 (still the most talented Colts team I've ever seen). Besides, I can't shake the thought that if Ben Roethlisberger wins his third title (which is entirely possible; he's got more talent around him now than he did in 2008) we'd be just 10 weeks away from him showing up on "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew" in the ultimate ESPN/TMZ convergence.

Then there's other team left in the AFC. The one whom I won't even refer to by name, because their fans are so petty they refuse to call Indy the "Colts" because they're bitter to this day. (Although they don't seem to have a problem with, ya know, stealing Cleveland's team.) Well, while I think they have the best defense in the playoffs, with Ray Lewis continuing to play despite the fact that he's 48 years old, I don't see "The Professional Football Franchise from Baltimore" being able to match points with New England, and that's if they can get past a tough game with Pittsburgh.

If I were a betting man (ya know, if gambling was legal and all), I'd have to say my top-three Super Bowl favorites are from the AFC. And the distance between #3 and #4 is pretty big. So why cheer for the NFC? Why do I, as a football fan with my horse out of the race, want to see an NFC team win it, even if it has to be the Bears?

'Cause it'll mean more to their fans.

Look, we all know losing sucks. And losing the Super Bowl is downright painful. I still can't watch replays of last year's game (though Visa and seemingly every other NFL sponsor is trying their best to make sure I don't forget) because it hurts thinking about all the emotion, everything I had invested in that season crashing down. But, I gotta admit, after winning in 2006, it hurt a little less than it would have if I had never seen us win it. Those old stories you hear Cubs fans tell and used to hear Sox fans tell about being worried their older family members, or sometimes even themselves, would pass away and never see their team win a championship, they didn't apply to us last year.

Of the three AFC contenders (I'm admittedly not giving the Jets a shot, unless they somehow get the luxury of continuing to play teams that have 20% of their squad on injured reserve) all have one championship and two of them have multiple titles in recent years. Of the four remaining NFC teams, only has even been to the Super Bowl since the various AFC "dynasties" took hold, and the Green Bay days are far enough removed that this is a completely different team and a new generation of Packer fans (a good majority, I'd be willing to bet, would say "Desmond who?") who have seen their team win it.

They've never known what it's like to have that full season of fan-devotion, countless hours watching games and crunching playoff scenarios finally pay off with a ring. Their team's seasons are never described as 'magical' or 'destined.' There's just a painfully long segment waiting for them on ESPN so Trent Dilfer can praise the other team's quarterback and tell you why your wideouts never had a shot.

But I hope that this year, for one of those dogged NFC teams, everything changes. Even if it is the Bears, their fans deserve to know what that feels like. Don't get me wrong, whichever team loses this February, their fans are gonna feel a strong punch to the gut, regardless of who it is.

But for fans of those AFC teams, it'll hurt just a little bit less.