Sacrilegious. Heretical. Unfathomable.
Those are a few of the big SAT words that would pop up on dictionary.com if you looked up "not watching the Super Bowl in this day and age".
That's fair to say, right? It's the most-watched and most-hyped sporting event in professional athletics. The Summer Olympics might get the same amount of viewers as the Super Bowl, but it'll take two weeks to do it. Millions of people watch a game that takes about two hours to play, not counting the halftime show (and we'll get to that later, trust me), the pre-game show, the post-game show, the post-post-game show, and the game show.
Wait, I'm thinking of Around the Horn, and that's not really a game show. Nevertheless, the Super Bowl has become an almost obscene spectacle of television: the hours of coverage and special segments leading up to the game, not too mention all the ones during the week before. It would probably been wall-to-wall SB news on ESPN if two things hadn't happened (as my roommate Clark pointed out):
1. LeBron scored 51 on the Magic, and;
2. Andy Pettitte retired.
Without those two events, we would have seen James Harrison getting poked with acupuncture needles an estimated six thousand times in the last ten days. Who really wants to see that?
With all this, it would be so easy to say I'm doing this for righteous reasons. The controversial situation in Egypt, the upcoming mayoral race in Chicago, preparing for a trombone quartet piece we have to play in seven days—all these are more important than the game. I truly wish I could say that's why I'm skipping the Super Bowl.
But it's none of those. As a matter of fact, I'm going over to Clark's parents' house tomorrow with a bunch of people from school, and I'm going to eat chili and drink soda, right in front of a 50-inch flat-screen TV showing the biggest game of the year.
Not watching a minute of it. Here's why.
1. *&%(*%)*(&^)*(^ the Packers.
People accuse me all the time of taking rivalries a bit too seriously. Usually, I scoff at them and call them nancies, punks or some other carefully thought-up snide nickname, but now I'm thinking they might be right. After all, I did watch or listen to every single playoff game the Cubs played in 2003, hoping they would lose. (The Bartman Game was one of the happiest moments of my life. No joke. I jumped around the room, watching Wrigley collapse.)
Still, it wouldn't be a rivalry without some craziness, right? Without dedicated fans and hard-nosed play, there's no real significance to it. So yes, even though I do enjoy watching Aaron Rodgers and Greg Jennings play (not Donald Driver. He's too connected to Brett Favre for me), I do not want to watch Green Bay play in the Super Bowl. Especially when they have a good chance of winning.
2. The complete lack of Bart Scott-related anything.
If you haven't already seen Sal Paolantonio's post-game interview with Bart Scott after the Jets beat the Patriots, do it now. Go right now and watch it.
Now tell me honestly: did you have that face where you're laughing, but you're a little scared at the same time? You're cracking up but your eyes are wide open, so you don't miss anything and you hope nothing bad happens? (Imagine the people in the club when Michael Richards started yelling at the dude in the balcony, right before he said the n-word.)
That's how I felt during this interview. Just to be safe, I watched a couple more Bart Scott interviews and clips, like this one. Pretty tame, but there is something just under the surface, something that you can only have with NFL players, Sarah Palin and Ron Artest.
Bart Scott is crazy. Controlled crazy, but crazy.
How can you not like a guy like that? You might not want to ever see him on the street at night, but man, he's fun to watch. Imagine all the Bart Scott interviews, SI pieces, radio discussions and exposes that we weren't treated to this past week.
All we've got is that 60 seconds of Sal Paolantonio with a bemused look on his face, hoping he'll make it back home. That's just not enough Bart Scott for me.
3. The Black Eyed Peas halftime show.
I missed Janet Jackson's left breast. Completely missed it. I got up to get a soda and check on the score pool we had going when I heard a shriek from behind me, and that was that. Biggest Super Bowl moment ever, slightly ahead of David Tyree's catch and Scott Norwood going wide right. And I missed it.
Ironically, I haven't missed all the performances since then, and they have been much worse than Janet's titty (say "Janet's titty" out loud and don't laugh, I dare you). Good artists, but come on: Tom Petty, Paul McCartney? Not for the Super Bowl.
So now, the NFL guys have decided the statute of limitations on popular musicians is up, so they give us the Black Eyed Peas.
Wait a second. The Black Eyed Peas haven't had a good song out since 2004. It's almost like Roger Goodell doesn't even listen to the radio! (Speaking of which, can you imagine Roger Goodell in a black SUV, rolling through Chicago listening to WGCI? I can.) My roommate Ice Berg has a minor stroke every time the commercial previewing the halftime show comes on, and I can finally say I agree with him.
Honestly, I'd rather watch the kids from Glee do their thing.
And finally, the top reason I'm not watching the Super Bowl (shut up, I know it's #4 and not #1)....
4. Ben Roethlisberger's a rapist! He raped people! Multiple people!
There's a great moment from the WWF back in 2001. The Rock has just done a hilarious bit for about five minutes about how he's going to beat Chris Jericho at the Royal Rumble and all these guys want to face him at Wrestlemania, when Jericho comes out onto the entrance ramp.
So naturally, the Rock hates on him and then goes into his "if you smellllllll..." routine when Jericho just screams, "No! This is not a joke! I am not a joke! I am serious! And you will not look past me!"
Stops Dwayne cold. Stops the whole crowd, as a matter of fact. The announcers, everyone. And even though you knew it was all make-believe, it was a really tense moment. (Here's the clip if you actually want to see it. It's at 3:20.)
What's this have to do with Ben Roethlisberger?
Well, Big Ben is like the Rock: he's looking forward to the Super Bowl, a possible third chip and a cementing of his legacy as one of the great quarterbacks of the modern era.
Chris Jericho, on the other hand, are those rape charges: extremely important, but seemingly forgotten in the heat of the moment.
Listen, I supported Michael Vick all the way through his ordeal, when kids at Bradley left and right were basically saying he should be drawn, quartered and hung in the village square. I stuck with him. But that was dogfighting. This was rape. And as Dane Cook has taught us, rape is not a word you can just throw around.
Suspending Big Ben for four games at the beginning of the season is not enough, not guilty verdict aside. All previous jokes aside, I do find a problem watching an unconvicted rapist throw passes to one of my least favorite NFL receivers, Heath Miller.
(What, you thought it would be Hines Ward? Come on, too easy. And besides, how cool is it to have Hines Ward play at Heinz Field? They should just change the name as soon as he retires.)
So that's why I'm "skipping" the Super Bowl this year. Aside from being super salty that the Bears didn't make it, there's probably a Bulls game on that night that will be way more fun.
If there isn't one, I'll just watch an old one online. Anything to avoid "Fergie Does Dallas."
See you in the cheap seats.
JS
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